Earthbound Swellness
by Dipturtle
Summary: What would happen if the protagonists of the Earthbound/Mother franchise all lived together? Follow their misadventures as they experience the herculean task of... THEIR EVERYDAY LIVES! Also, a little bit of Ness OOC. Rated M for language.
1. Only Ness

"Don't taze me, bro!" yelled Ness, desperately trying to escape an angry Lucas. "I didn't mean it!"

"PK thunder!" shouted Lucas, making a direct hit on Ness.

"OWOWOWOWOW DID YOU NEED TO FUCKING ELECTROCUTE ME?!" Ness moaned.

"Maybe you shouldn't have said that Claus is a faggot, then." said Lucas.

"But Claus _is_ a-"

Lucas glared at Ness before he could finish his sentence.

"Really great person," Ness corrected himself.

"Watch your step, fat boy." Lucas threatened.

Then, there was a knock at the door. "It's open!" shouted Ninten from a nearby couch.

Then, from the door, exited Claus. "Claus!" said Lucas. "What's up, bro?"

"Hey, Lucas!" said Claus, giving his brother a hug. "Ness."

"Claus." replied Ness. "Faggot." he mumbled.

"So what brings you here, Claus?" said Ninten.

"Yeah, why'd you drop in?" said Travis.

"Well, I was on my way to New Pork City, and I figured I'd say hi to my 3 best friends!... And Ness."

"Screw you, Claus."

"Fight me, Ness."

"Bring it on, faggot."

"Okay!" said Lucas. "How 'bout we all sit down?"

Ness pointed at his eyes and then pointed at Claus.

"So, Claus," said Lucas. "What's attracting you to New Pork City?"

"Well," said Claus. "I've got a job offer there."

"The job of world's biggest faggot?" said Ness.

"Shut up, Ness." said Ninten. "What kind of job, Claus?"

"Something about a chimera project and a guy called Master Porky, I didn't read the whole thing."

"Ugh, you mean Pokey?" said Ness. "That guy's a total fa-"

"DON'T SAY IT NESS!" said Lucas.

"Well, I just wanted to drop in real quick," Claus said. "I'll be seein' y'all."

"Bye, Claus!" said Lucas. "I PK love you!"

"Don't be gay." said Claus. And with that, he left.

"I'm gonna punch that fucker." said Ness, rising up out of his seat.

"Ness, why?" said Travis, facepalming.

"THAT ASSHOLE THINKS HE'S BETTER THAN ME!" Ness said, running for the door.

Lucas sighed.

" _Claus_ is the asshole?" said Ninten.

"HEY, CLAUSHOLE!" Ness shouted upon running out the door. "YOU FORGOT SOMETHING!"

"Dammit…" mumbled Claus, looking upon the idiot who was Ness. "Tell me, Ness. What did I forget?"

"A KICK IN THE BALLS!"

But before Ness could do anything, Claus shouted "PK love!" and shot a beam right into Ness's "coin purse."

_ 1 HOUR LATER_

"Your left testicle seems to be fractured." the nurse said to Ness. "Don't expect to be able to leave this hospital bed anytime soon after the surgery."

"Fuck… Claus." Ness mumbled under his breath.

"Sorry, sir?" said the nurse. "Did you need something?"

"FUCK YOU, CLAUS!"

*Sigh* Only Ness...


	2. Ness in the Hospital

"Hey, Ness." said Lucas, as everyone entered Ness's hospital room.

"How you been?" said Travis.

"I've been doing just fine." said Ness. "Although my balls kind of hurt due to the recent surgery."

"Serves you right, fuckbag." said Ninten.

" _You're_ a fuckbag." Ness said back.

"Paula just called." said Travis. "She wants to know if you can still have kids."

"Why would she want to know that?" said Ness.

"You guys are dating, right?" said Ninten.

"WE ARE?!" exclaimed the biggest idiot in the room. "THAT'S AWESOME! NOW I CAN CALL HER MY BAE AND SHIT!"

"Please don't." said Ninten.

"NESS NESS NESS NESS NESS NESS NESS!" cried a girl's voice from down the hall.

"Oh, there's Paula now." said Travis.

Paula ran into the room. "NESS ARE YOU OKAY?!" she asked. "CAN YOU STILL HAVE KIDS?!"

"Yeah, I'm alright, Bae." said Ness.

"Please don't fucking say that." said Travis.

"Yeah, I'm gonna break your other nut if you say 'bae' again." said Ninten.

"So, Ness, how have you been holding up?" said Paula, her hand a little too close to Ness's injured zone.

"Oh, I've been doing great." said Ness. "There's this really cool anime I've been watching, look."

"Ness, that's a rerun of Hannah Montana." said Travis.

"You tellin' me I don't know my anime?" said Ness.

"Ness, you probably think that Family Guy is anime." said Ninten.

"Wait, it's not?" said Ness.

"I'm here, also." said Lucas.

"Um, alright." said Ninten.

"I just haven't haven't had any lines since the beginning of the chapter."

"Shut up." said Ness.

"Hey, Paula, what do you see in him?" said Ninten.

Paula glared at Ninten and then rested her head on Ness's chest. "I see a strong-willed, courageous, kind, and sweet young boy who always stands up for those he cares about."

"Paula, are you high?" said Travis.

"Ohh, I've seen this one." said Ness as another rerun of Hannah Montana came on.

Ninten, Travis, and Lucas looked at him funny.

"What, don't judge me." he said.


	3. Cute

Ness and Paula stood in Paula's backyard. "So, Ness." said Paula. "Now that you're out of the hospital, you can begin practicing again!"

"Thank Christ." said Ness, with a strong hint of sarcasm.

"Ness." said Paula, looking at Ness with suspicion in her eyes. "You _have_ been practicing, right?"

"Um, a little."

"C'mon Ness, you know you have to practice! What happens when you get your butt kicked in the next Smash Bros. match?"

"I know, I know."

"Well, let's get to it!" Paula sure was eager to start. "Ok, Ness, show me whatcha got!"

"Alright." Ness said. He rubbed his hands together then pointed them at the ground. "PK fire!" he shouted, and a small lightning bolt shot out of his hands and lit the grass in front of him on fire for a brief instance.

Paula frowned. "Come on, Ness, that's not PK fire! PK fire is supposed to do damage to an _entire row_ of foes!"

"But I can spam it!" said Ness. "It's effective and super annoying!"

"Ness!" said Paula, grabbing Ness's ear.

"Ow! Paula, what the heck?!"

"Ness, you know Master Hand gets bored of spam fighters!"

"Ow! Paula let go of my ear, please!"

Paula let go of Ness's ear. "You see my point, though, right?" she said.

"Yes, Mom." said Ness.

"Ness, don't call your girlfriend 'Mom.'" Paula retaliated.

Ness blushed. "Yes, Paula."

"Heehee, you're cute, Ness." said Paula.

Ness blushed even redder.

"Okay, Ness, now you're downright adorable."

Ness's face became so red, it started to blend in with his hat.

"Squeeeeeee!" said Paula.

Ness ran away, fearing more embarrassment.

"Ness, come back." said Paula, smiling.

"Stop calling me cute!" Ness said from a far away spot he was hiding.

"I'm not making any promises." said Paula.

"Shit." said Ness.

"C'mon, you want to get better, don't you?" Paula called out.

"Well,... yeah." said Ness, revealing himself from behind a distant trash can.

"Then get back here, silly."

Ness came back.

"There's the cutie."

"NONONONONO!" yelled Ness as he ran away.

"Ness, you silly!" Paula called, chasing after Ness. And chase him she did, until the sun went down.


End file.
